Goodbye 2010

I started this blog in January of 2010, after my nephew, Zavier passed away on January 8th. I wanted to keep track of and share the lessons I had learned in 2010. I'm sure I learned more than I posted about and made a few changes on the blog throughout the year; nonetheless, I have shared my journey with God. Often times, I feel like I am back at square one in my relationship with Him. But I trust that He knows what He is doing.

I have decided to take a break from my blog. Perhaps, start a new one with a new title, eventually. In the meantime, I will leave on this post my anthem for 2011.



Valley of Tomorrow (Needtobreathe)

I am a troubled mind, I am a calloused heart
A failing engine from driving way too hard
Trying way too hard
I pulled a 38 out of my bleeding heart
I killed my selfishness for bringing me this far
This far away from You

When the daylight breaks through the buildings of Chicago
I will stand alone in the valley of tomorrow

Oh, this is the way I wanna go down
This is the last time,
I'm starting over with You
This is the way I wanna go out

I'll never second-guess the little voice I heard
It's just a whisper, that sounded like a scream
I ain't never felt so free

I'll never second-guess the little voice I heard
It's just a whisper...

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me." Psalm 51:10-11

Lesson 42: If it is not easy, do it anyway.

As the year comes to end, there is one last lesson I want to write about; to make sure that I don't forget it, hoping it will serve as a reminder to me in 2011 and the rest of my life. If something is not easy, do it anyway.

I have been on a work out hiatus for awhile now. It's "not easy" for me to go to the gym and exercise. It's easier to just hang out around the house, doing whatever else I am doing instead. Why is it difficult for us to do things that are beneficial to us if it causes us discomfort or is an inconvenience or simply is "not easy"?

Why do we expect to be comfortable all the time? Is it part of our human condition or part of American culture? I don't know which it is, but I want to learn, want to change my mind to not expect easy.

I want to live all out for God, cross the line all over again. And if it's not easy, I am going to do it anyway.

"But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it." Matthew 7:14

Friday Declaration

No one else could ever compare to You, Lord.

Thankful Thursday

Today, I am thankful. Thankful for God's faithful love and redeeming ways. Thankful that He allows my questions, doubts, and fears; always giving me a brand new day to start over.

"O Lord, you are so good, so ready to forgive, so full of unfailing love for all who ask for your help." Psalm 5

"Wishing" Wednesday

I wish God would take the heartache away from my family.

I wish I had faith like a little child.

I wish time did heal all things.

I wish that I was on fire for God like I used to be.

I wish that Zavier was here right now with us.

Monday Mantra

Be in this world, and not of it.

Friday Delcaration

Father, let my heart be after You.

Monday Madness

Ok, so it's not really a madness...Monday meltdown, not that either. More like Monday confusion...except confusion doesn't start with an "M"...oh well.

Sometimes I feel like I have a bi-polar relationship with God. How can I go from one extreme to another so quickly? Worshipping is easy, praying is not. Reading is easy, practicing is not. Listening to your own thoughts is easy, listening to God's is not.

How can I be so on fire for God, yet not?

I guess this could be called Monday madness, after all.

Questions

Who are You God
For You are turning out to be
So much different than I imagined

And where are you God
Cause I am finding life to be
So much harder than I had planned

Know that I am afraid
To ask these questions
But You know they are there

And if you know my heart
The way that I believe you do
You know that I believe in You
Still I have these questions

Like how could you God
How could You be so good and strong
And make a world that can be so painful

And where were you God
I know you had to be right there
I know you never turn your head

You know that I’m confused
By all this mystery
You know I get afraid
But if you know my heart
As completely as I trust you do
Oh you know that I trust in you

Is it true
that fore every tear I cry
You cry a thousand more
Cause you weep for those that weep

And are you, just holding yourself back
From crushing all the pain and evil in this world
For reasons we just can't understand for now
But isn’t there a day of redemption coming

Redemption is coming

Quickly Lord, come quickly
Lord, come quickly

So who am I God
That you would raise me from the dust
To breathe your life and your love in me
You know that I believe

-Questions (Steven Curtis Chapman)

Friday Declaration

God, You are my desire, consume me like a fire cause I just want You.

Tuesday Truth

In the last 8 days, I have learned quite a bit. I will start first by saying I do not know much about politics (well, that may be an understatement). However, in the last 8 days, I have learned about the Dream Act. If passed, this Act would allow certain illegal immigrants who were brought to the U.S. by their parents as children to earn a legal status after a lengthy time period and meeting various requirements.

A group of UTSA college students have been on 28 day hunger strike in efforts to voice their support of the Dream Act. They and my sister-in-law Lori were arrested 8 days ago for protesting/trespassing at Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson's office. They were at her office to speak to her about the Dream Act; however, she made no effort to speak to them.

Lori remained in jail for 8 days to stand up for what she believes in - helping others. Doesn't matter where they are from, where they were born - she has helped others all her life. Sam told me today that she once lived in a homeless shelter so she could know what it is like for people who are homeless, so she could learn how to help them. She lives her life with a caring heart, to say the least. It's not often that I see us standing up for what we believe in.

Can you picture Jesus telling one of his disciples, "Hey, you can't follow me because you were not born in Bethlehem" or "Hey, your life is not worth as much as this other person's life because your parents brought you over here illegally." I cannot imagine Jesus saying that. After all didn't he say, "So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other." John 13:34

Jesus did not sit meekly waiting for things to happen; he stood up for what he believed in - God and us.

Thank you Lori for letting God's love shine through you.

1 Corinthians 11: "And you should imitate me, just as I imitate Christ."

Monday Mantra

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

Tuesday Truth

"If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." Jeremiah 29:13

I'm still reading through the Old Testament. Finally, I reached Psalms, a little easier read than the other chapters. But, of course, even in Psalms I have questions. So after reading Psalms, I flipped pages through the Bible just wanting to find something that I didn't question. Can you guess what it was? Correct. Jeremiah 29:13. "IF you look for me WHOLEHEARTEDLY, you WILL find me." Hmm...I've read this before but not like this time. If you look for me, not "if I look for you", not "if you need me", but "if you look for me". If we don't look for God, how can we expect to find Him? And we have to look "wholeheartedly" not half-heartedly, not partially...but "wholeheartedly".

Without question, without doubt, I know that God is here, but it is up to us to seek Him with all that we are and understand His constant presence in our lives.

Stand in the Rain

"Why" Wednesday

Why is it...so easy to question and so much harder to believe?

"...I tell you the truth, if you have faith and don't doubt, you can do all things like this and much more..." Matthew: 21-21


Side note: I am in a little funk, but trust that I will get out of it.

I Just Don't Understand...

Calloused and bruised, dazed and confused
My Spirit is left wanting something more than my selfish hopes and my selfish dreams
I'm lying with my face down to the floor, I'm crying out for more
Give me Words to speak
Don't let my Spirit sleep Cause I can't think of anything worth saying
But I know that I owe You my life
So give me Words to speak
Don't let my Spirit sleep
Every night, every day I find that I have nothing left to say
So I stand here in silence awaiting Your guidance
I'm wanting only Your voice to be heard
Let them be Your Words
I just don't understand this life that I've been living
I just don't understand
I just don't understand these lies I've been believing, I just don't understand
I know that I owe you my life

-Give Me Words to Speak (Aaron Shust)

Monday Mantra

Nothing will change if I don't change it.

Lesson 41: 1 Corinthians 6:12

"You say, "I am allowed to do anything"--but not everything is good for you. And even though "I am allowed to do anything," I must not become a slave to anything." 1 Corinthians 6:12

Such a perfect verse for me right now.

Monday Music

Bring me anything that brings You glory.

All Mixed Up

I can't seem to put my thoughts together lately. I've started two different posts, but can't finish them. I don't know in what direction to go. It's like I have a part of me that is confused. I have questions for God and about God (I guess reading the Old Testament might do that to you). But at the same time I have a part of me that praises God and knows God is present and for us. Not to mention, the confusion about myself and living for God...am I doing things His way or my way? Could I be doing more? Should I be doing more?

For the last hour or so, I've been listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's "I Will Trust You". And no matter how much confusion I have and feel, I know this about God:

I know His heart is good, I know His love is strong , and I know His plans for me are much better than my own.

Friday Declaration

God, I WILL trust You.

Tuesday Truth

The last few days my prayer to God has been "God, please help me glorify You, today." Just yesterday, I prayed that same prayer. Here is what happened...

Every day after work, I get on the bus to come home. After a day at work, I want to nap and listen to my Ipod on the bus ride. So I get on the bus and I have my Ipod in my hand, ready to start relaxing. The girl sitting next to me, turns to me excitedly and says "Aren't you excited about the holidays?" Holidays, I think to myself, I am just ready for Friday. I quickly say, "I don't have any plans yet"...thinking when is it a good time to actually insert my earphones. Then it dawned on me..."God, is this you telling me to not be so self-centered?" Was this God speaking to me, telling me to give up a little "me" time, to maybe glorify Him?

I listened to this nice girl and we carried on the conversation...work, food, vacation trips. By the time I knew it...we were already at the park n ride.

Does this one tiny little thing count as glorifying God? I'm not sure, but I like to think so.

"If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that...If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else?" Matthew 5:46-47

Friday Declaration

My purpose remains the art of losing myself in bringing You praise.

Thankful Thursday

I am so very thankful for second chances. This past Saturday Sam and I had a second chance to stand before God and be married. It was a very small ceremony with immediate family and had Sam's sister, Lori perform the ceremony.

It's amazing how so much has changed. I can look back and see how we have changed and grown since we were first married. I've said this before (probably) and here it goes again...I can easily identify the main difference between back then and now - GOD. He is the number one priority in both our lives and I love that.

I love that when God is the center of your life, you have a whole new perspective. A perspective that is driven by God and is aligned with God's plans for you. He has opened our eyes to so many things that we would have never seen without Him.

Thank you God for second chances.

Post of the Week

Here is my Monday Music, Tuesday Truth, Worship Wednesday, Thankful Thursday and Friday Declaration.

For some reason, this week has been kinda weird. I've been feeling...well, I don't know, disconnected...disconnected from God. It's like I know He is always here, yet I can't feel Him like I think I should.

There is no better song right now than You Won't Relent by Jesus Culture.




He won't relent until He has it all. My heart is His. Thank you God for never leaving me.

See

Right now all I can taste are bitter tears
And right now all I can see are clouds of sorrow
But from the other side of all this pain
Is that you I hear, laughing loud and calling out to me?

Saying "See, it's everything you said that it would be,
And even better than you would believe.
And I'm counting down the days until you're here with me,
And finally, you'll see."

But right now, all I can say is "Lord, how long
Before you come and take away this aching?"
This night of weeping seems to have no end.
But when the morning light breaks through,
We'll open up our eyes and we will see

It's everything that He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe

And he's counting down the days 'til He says "Come with me."
And finally he'll wipe every tear from our eyes
And make everything new, just like he promised
Wait and see, just wait and see, wait and see

And I'm counting down the days until I see
It's everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And I'm counting down the days 'til He says, "Come with me."
And finally, we'll see. We will see.

Oh taste and see that the Lord is good, the Lord is good
The Lord is good. Oh taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good.

See - Steven Curtis Chapman

For my nephew Zavier and all the babies in Heaven - October 15 marks a day of Remembrance of our little ones who've become angels too soon. The day is observed with an International Wave of Light as candles are lit around the globe in memory of our babies.

"What if" Wednesday

What if we didn't desire...

- money
- new cars
- a nice, big house
- the most current cell phone
- the most current anything of this world

Now, there is nothing wrong with desiring any of those things if they remain second place to God. But what if our desires for the above changed and were replaced foremost with the desires...

- of God's heart
- of God's plan
- of God's will

"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:2

Lesson 40: Change Your Mind

Whenever I am on the treadmill I think about my goals for that workout and relate it to my walk with God, my goal to glorify Him. I do that so it can help me stay on the treadmill and meet my physical goal. I struggle on the treadmill, I struggle getting to the gym. Sometimes, I give up and shorten my workouts, and to try to convince myself to stay on and keep pushing, I often say to myself, I gotta keep going...I pretend it's a reflection of my walk with God so I can't give up. Well...what if I've been thinking about this all wrong.

The other day I changed my mind. The treadmill is not my walk with God. It's the walk of life. A very tiring, constantly changing life of highs and lows. Here is where God comes in - I can't do the treadmill without hitting the pause button every now and then. I press pause, take a quick break, then jump right back on and keep going no matter how much I want to stop. To me, God is my "pause" button in life. In this ever so changing life of ours, we need to press the pause button when we get too tired, too consumed and caught up in life, and let God refresh us, let God work in our lives so we can continue our journey here on earth.

I can't imagine going through life without knowing that God is here for us, to help us through this life in order to one day be with Him.

Changing your mind - can make all the difference.

Monday Music

Wish I could live more patiently
Wish I could give a little more of me without stopping to think twice
Wish I had faith like a little child
Wish I could walk a single mile without tripping on my own feet

Change In The Making - Addison Road

Friday Declaration

Empty my hands, fill my heart, capture my mind with You.

Wondering Wednesday

I wonder...

is there a difference between knowing and believing?

Tuesday Truth

I know that life, my life, is about God...but the truth is...I'm not sure how to apply this every day of my life (to make it not be about me).

I want so badly to never let God down...but the truth is...I can't...since I was never holding Him up to begin with (I heard this in church and it stuck). But it still doesn't completely eliminate me still not wanting to let Him down.

I want so badly to be everything God is calling me to be...but the truth is...I don't know what that is.

I want so badly to put others ahead of myself...but the truth is...I often don't.

Maybe I should stop wanting so badly, maybe I should stop and listen...listen to Him...like Josh Wilson sings about. But the truth is...I'm not sure I know how.

Monday Music

Why is it so hard for me
To shut my mouth and let You speak
Why do I feel the need to always keep on talking...
I've got to learn to listen

Josh Wilson

Thankful Thursday

Thank you God, for teaching me that my life is not about me, but about You.

"Wondering" Wednesday

I wonder...

why we are quick to compare our situations with other people's situation to make ourselves feel better. For example, often times, we are dwelling on our own personal struggle and we often hear others say (or ourselves say), "well, at least you are not in so and so's situation". I get that they are trying to make us feel better and even get us to count our blessings. But I wonder why we ever thought life was suppose to be easy, comfortable, and everything we always planned...I guess we can blame it on the American dream? I wonder where we got this huge sense of entitlement.

I'm slowly learning to accept struggle, circumstances, and situations, even in the smallest sense. Here is how I learned that accepting your struggles just may be one of the keys to life:

"And since we are His children, we are His heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory. But if we are to share His glory, we must also share his suffering. Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal later to us." Romans 9:17-18

To me, this verse gave me a whole new perspective on why we struggle. Sure, we do make our own wrong choices, or evil has a hand in our lives...but I believe that God will use whatever struggle we are facing to draw us closer to Him, to share in Jesus' suffering...so that ultimately we may share in His glory.

Tuesday Truth: Good News

This past Sunday I was driving and saw a man standing on the street corner selling the Houston Chronicle. He also had a sign next to his little newspaper stand. It said "Good News - Jesus Saves". Good news, indeed!

"For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ. It is the power of God at work, saving everyone who believes...This Good News tells us how God makes us right in his sight. This is accomplished from start to finish by faith. As the Scriptures say, "It is through faith that a righteous person has life"." Romans 1:16-17

Monday Music

I don't have to carry
The weight of who I've been
Cause I'm forgiven

Forgiven - Sanctus Real

Friday Declaration

God, teach me, stretch me, use me for Your Kingdom and Your Glory.

Thankful Thursday

Every Friday there is a newsletter called "The Flash" that gets emailed to all of us at work. It's an internal newsletter at my job. Basically, it keeps people in the loop of what's going on at work, new groups, things for sell, charitable events. I skim it, usually. Well, a few weeks ago, I was taking a look at it...and much to my surprise and excitement...there was some information of a Bible study group that was just starting up and looking for anyone interested in joining. God in the workplace - how awesome is that!? There were enough people that signed up that two groups were formed.

A couple of weeks ago, I attended the first group meeting. We are going to study the book of Matthew through a study guide. It was great meeting new people that work with me who also have the same passion for God. People from different departments, different walks of life, different religions...all sharing in quite possibly the one thing they have in common...their love for God.

We all went around, in a group of about 14, saying a little bit of about ourselves and where we were in our walk of faith. I can't believe that I'm about to say this (or type it) but I was so excited that I wanted to cry, right then and there (I didn't, though). I wanted to cry because I was happy about what my group was sharing. I love to listen to people who are on fire for God...it's simply great. Side note: I have an issue with crying...but that's for another post, one day...maybe :).

God, today I am thankful for our Bible study at work.

"I will thank the Lord with all my heart as I meet with his godly people. How amazing are the deeds of the Lord! All who delight in Him should ponder them. Everything He does reveals his glory and majesty. His righteousness never fails." Psalm 111:1-3

"Worship" Wednesday

Can you hear me singing? Probably not :) Enjoy!

Sing My Love - Jesus Culture

Monday Music

I tried not to ask for Your help
Cause I didn't want to scare You away

Yeah I was always worried
I was gonna let You down
Oh, it felt like I was standing
In between the lost and found
Til I got to know You


Sanctus Real

Eat, Pray, Love - Part II

Although there technically wasn't a part I to the previous Eat, Pray, Love post...I found my book and wanted to share the best line of the whole book.

"There's a reason they call God a presence - because God is right here, right now. In the present is the only place to find Him, and now is the only time."

That one line above made me realize then, that I needed to do something; I needed to find God. I would have never thought that I'd really be able to find Him, much less know Him and love Him the way I do now.

Lesson 39: Saturday Workouts

This morning I was running on the treadmill. I had been normally running about 2 miles every workout. Except today...I couldn't do it. I rarely work out on during the mornings. While I was running, I couldn't keep up with pace I set (and it's not that unrealistic). I walked more than usual. By the time I hit the one mile mark, I told myself, "well, I might as well just stop since I'm not going to make my goal." Then I thought of lots of reasons that I couldn't finish: tight calves, a morning workout, I hadn't eaten breakfast, I had to move out of my apartment after working out and needed energy for that...You probably get the point. I didn't want to finish because I lost focus, because I wouldn't meet my goal of 2 miles in 20 minutes, because I was thinking about everything else except that I wanted to do. My mind lost track of my purpose, my goal. I stopped.

Imagine if we did that with God. Gave up on Him every time we were uncomfortable. I know I've done that plenty of times. Quit on Him because of our circumstances. I am a goal getter, and history has shown that if I don't see myself attaining my goal, I quickly become a quitter...you know, so I don't fail. This is exactly what God does NOT want us to do with our relationship with Him. If we mess up, make bad choices, or just have bad things happen to us...that's not a reason to give up on God...there is never a reason.

I've learned that God does not require perfection from us. He is in control of that; not us.

"With one sacrifice He made perfect forever those who are being made holy" Hebrews 10:14

Here is what Max Lucado says about "perfection" and the verse above:

"God doesn't improve; He perfects. He doesn't enhance; he completes...Now I realize that there's a sense in which we are imperfect. We still err. We still stumble. We still do exactly what we don't want to do. And that part of us is, according to the verse, "being made holy". But when it comes to our position before God, we're perfect. When He sees each of us, He sees one who has been made perfect through the One who is perfect - Jesus Christ."

Friday Declaration

God, You make ALL things work together for my good...even when I don't see it this way.

"Wondering" Wednesday

I wonder what kind of birthday parties God throws in heaven?

It's amazing how things can change so rapidly. Today, I had lunch with Felix, Erica, and Juls. We tried to celebrate Zavier's first birthday as best we could. In the past, we'd come up with reasons to celebrate and go out to eat, this time we tried to do the same since it has been a long time since we've celebrated anything. It wasn't the same though. We reminisced and talked about how last year at this time right before Zavier was born, we had Erica walking around the track and around the mall to get Zavier out here with us :) We talked about how we would celebrate every pregnancy milestone over dinner. We were always celebrating something...this time it just wasn't the same.

We know Zavier is up in heaven and is having the best party we could only dream of.

Happy 1st birthday Zavier...I will miss you always and forever.

This is me and Zavier on his birthday, 9/15/09.

Felix Zavier Barron (9/15/09 - 1/8/10)

Sometimes it's still hard to believe that my nephew, Zavier is not here with us. It's hard to believe that tomorrow he would have been turning one year old. I remember the last time I saw him - New Year's Eve. I never would have thought that would be last time I would see his smiling little face. He had just started to giggle. I remember that on New Year's Day, Sam and I drove out to Galveston to check out the beach. I wanted to stay at my sister's just to hang out. Sam said that we needed to give them time to adjust to their new little family of four and that we couldn't be there all the time. He was probably a little right...but we didn't go over that entire week. I didn't stop by once in the week to see the little guy :(

For Christmas, Zavier was 3 months old; I didn't even get him a Christmas present...not a real one anyway. I got him a last minute little Santa's outfit. Why? Because I thought he was too little...and I thought "there will be next year and all the rest of the years to come for me to give him something...when he can actually remember."

This is the last time I saw my nephew, Zavier. A clip of our happy little Zavier (and family in the background) on New Year's Eve.



Every day my heart breaks for my family. I wonder if it will ever stop breaking.

Monday Music

I need to be still before I make a move
I need to be humble with nothing to prove
I need Your Word to show me the truth

Before I can find my voice
I need to hear Your voice

Stop the World - Matthew West

Friday Declaration

This world has nothing for me. I will follow You.

Lesson 38: God Power

God Power:

Now, that I'm not "not" drinking, I've tried (as stupid as it may sound) to get drunk...just to see how it feels. I'll have one drink...kinda like it. Then comes the second...and that's it. There is something inside of me that is stopping me. Want to know what it is? It's definitely not will power. It's God power. My head is struggling with my heart. My head tells me that I do want to keep drinking and my heart says "no, you don't".

This is God's power shining through. He works best in our weakness.

Monday Music

Who I am is all I've got
And I can't be who I am not anymore...

All I need to be - Fireflight

The Greatest Joy

I've been listening to Jared Anderson's song, Glorified alot in the last few days. By alot, I mean I have it playing on repeat whenever my Ipod is on. The lyrics are great. Here is one of my favorite lines:

The greatest joy I found is to lay a crown before my King.

For me, when I am focused on God, there is an unexplainable joy that I have. It's kinda like knowing all is well, all is right...even when it really isn't...if that makes any sense.

How do we lay a crown before our King? Well, I don't know exactly what it means. But I do have an interpretation. To me, to lay a crown before my King is really to take all that you are, the good and the bad, dreams and fears, praises and complaints, and put it before God, letting Him know that it is Him in who you put your trust. No other king, no other god...just Him.

In my life, the greatest joy I have found is to lay a crown before my King.

Friday Declaration

Because You're with me, I will not fear.

Tuesday Truth

I'm so very excited about the steps we have taken to help fundraise for SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) awareness and research in memory of my nephew, Zavier. "Team Zavier" has already raised $1,000 in just a few weeks. The support and response has been incredible.

But at the same time, I am not looking forward to the month of September. Specifically, September 15th...Zavier would have turned one year old. The day that should be filled with laughter and joy and a happy Zavier...will not come; at least not on this side of heaven.

"I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken." Psalm 62:1-2

Monday Music

Empty me of the selfishness inside,
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
and any foolish thing my heart holds to,
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You.

Empyt Me - Chris Sligh

Question of the Day

How could I expect to walk without You when every move that Jesus made was in surrender?

as taken from Where You go I go (Kim Walker)

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful that God always knows how to pull me closer to Him when I get off track. Quite often I have the same weekly conversation with Sam about going to church. Here is what the last one sounded like...

Lanie: Can we take this next Sunday off from church?

Sam: We took last Sunday off.

Lanie: No, we didn't. We were out of town - that doesn't count.

Sam: What do you think God would say?

Lanie: Log on to www.communityoffaith.tv?

Sam: It's up to you.

Then I remembered what I read in the Purpose Driven Life. We don't worship God for us. We worship God for God. It doesn't matter how we feel or what we think...we don't go to church for us...we go to worship God for Him; that is what He wants us to do. To quote Rick Warren, "Worship is not for your benefit...we worship for God's benefit. When we worship, our goal is to bring pleasure to God, not ourselves."

Needless to say, I'm planning to be at church this Sunday. Thank you God for reminding me that it's not about me...but about YOU, always.

"How" Wednesday

How is it that we can feel nothing and everything all at once? Or at least think we do...

Lesson 37: Home

I'm re-reading the Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. Day 6 is about life being a temporary assignment. Rick says the following:

"In order to keep us from becoming too attached to earth, God allows us to feel a significant amount of discontent and dissatisfaction in life - longings that will never be fulfilled on this side of eternity. We're not completely happy here because we are not supposed to be! Earth is not our final home; we were created for something much better."

"When life gets tough, when you're overwhelmed with doubt, or when you wonder if living for Christ is worth the effort, remember that you are not home yet. At death you won't leave home - you'll go home."

Why are we scared of death if we know who and what is waiting for us on the other side? Shouldn't we all be anxious and excited that after this life we get to go home to our Father, God? If only it were that easy...or is it?

"...Look, God's home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever." Revelation 21:3-4

Monday Music

My Jesus - Todd Agnew

I want to be like my Jesus,
Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus
You see I'm tired of living for success and popularity
I want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus

Friday Declaration

Here is my heart. God, You can have it all.

Thankful Thursday

Today, I am thankful for kind strangers. Every morning I take a nap on the way to work (don't worry, I don't drive) via the Metro park n ride. I usually have my internal alarm clock wake me up before we get to my stop. Yesterday, I overslept! The guy sitting next to me wakes me up and says "I think this is your stop, right?" Whew! He saved me from ending up who knows where, on the other side of downtown probably.

Before I took my nap, he noticed me reading the Bible and asked if I had an Ipod and the Bible on my Ipod...which I don't have the Bible on my Ipod. He offered to download his application onto my Ipod next time he had his.

Kind strangers...thank you God for kind strangers.

"Wishing" Wednesday

I wish Zavier was still here with us. He would be 11 months now. We are raising funds to help SIDS research and promote SIDS awareness by selling Team Zavier/Stop SIDS wristbands. So far, so good :)

Here are a few SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) facts:

1. The major cause of death in infants from 1 month to 1 year of age, with most deaths occurring between 2 and 4 months.

2. Sudden and silent - the infant was seemingly healthy

3. Currently, unpredictable and unpreventable

4. Determined only after an autopsy, an examination of the death scene, and a review of the clinical history

5. Designated as a diagnosis of exclusion


Zavier will always be missed and now his lifesong sings.

Tuesday Truth

So...my last no drinking streak ended in May.

I think I might go back to no drinking. I've drank socially here and there...haven't gotten drunk BUT it's been on my mind ALOT; not getting drunk but drinking. Thoughts like "i really want to have a drink" and "just one or two, no more than 3". I don't think I need it but I want it (if that makes any sense). It's like I am being tempted...tempted to think that I can handle it.

"If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you stand. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you can endure." 1 Corinthians 10:12-13

Monday Music

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior Please - Josh Wilson

Eat, Pray, Love

Tonight, I saw Eat, Pray, Love. It's about a divorced woman on a journey of self discovery. It's the first book I read when Sam and I were separated and getting divorced. It was the book that actually made me realize that I needed God in my life. Elizabeth Gilbert, the author, said that she needed to find God "right now". I don't have the book right here to give the exact quote, but she said that it had to be "now"...not tomorrow, or in a week, or in a little while. That was a big push for me to start looking for a church home...leading me to my new relationship and love...God.

I've probably blogged about this before...but once my relationship began with God...I started re-evaluating my life and the decisions I had made. Thanks to God, me and Sam got a second chance. The big difference in our lives and the second chance we have is God. We both know that He has to be the center of our marriage. When we got married in 2004, Sam's mom told us that being married consisted of three people in the relationship...you, your spouse, and God. She was so right. I can't imagine it being any other way.

August 13, 2007

On August 13, 2007, my mother-in-law Armandina Andrade passed away after a long hard battle with colon cancer. I think of her often and miss her. I can distinctly remember how she would give you her undivided attention...always. It was never about her...she didn't dwell on her sickness or feel sorry for herself. She was amazing.

There were many times that we'd have conversations about what it would be like when she wasn't here anymore. Mainly, she did the talking and I did the listening. She wanted to make sure all of her kids would be ok. I didn't say much, what could I say? But I listened as she talked about her life and kids...she had no regrets. She lived all out for God and it was evident to all who knew her.

I remember in May 2007, just as she was starting to get sicker...Sam and I had sold our house. She and my father-in-law were the ones who helped us pack things up. She was at our home...sorting through things! Can you believe that...that's the type of person she was...helping out no matter what.

She passed away on a Monday morning about 3:30 in the morning surrounded by all of us. Just that Saturday before, she had us in her room instructing us on how to make chicken salad :) We had the ingredients and everything in her room to make the salad :)

We always knew she was such a planner...she went to heaven the same day she was born and the same day she was married....August 13th.

This was her favorite Bible verse and reflects the life that she lived.

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

"What If" Wednesday

What if we trusted God like we trust our GPS?

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." Jeremiah 29:11-13

Tuesday Truth

I hate feeling helpless.

"...My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Monday Music

In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails
Where Your Name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I'm believing for the day...

You Hold Me Now - Hillsong

Lesson 36: You are Faithful

One of my weaknesses is praying, well really it's believing that my prayer will be answered. Sometimes, I have a hard time accepting the following truth.

"You can ask anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father. Yes, ask me for anything in my name and I will do it!" John 14:13-14.

For a few reasons. One - I get confused between my will and God's will. If I want God's will to be done, why do I need to pray? Doesn't He, after all, know our needs, our thoughts, our hearts? Doesn't He want what's best for us anyway?

I understand that you can ask or pray for anything and the answer that you get may not be the answer that you wanted. But in that verse above, Jesus says ask him for ANYTHING in his name and he will do it. A good friend of mine told me we should pray because God wants us to keep talking to Him, continuing and strengthening our relationship with Him. The truth is sometimes when I pray, I'm not sure that I actually believe God will answer the prayer. Mainly, it's about the past...The one prayer in my life on January 8th, 2010 that did not get answered. It's hard for me to accept that Jesus will give us anything that we ask for in His name like he said he would.

Last night Sam and I went to dinner with his family in San Antonio. We came and went in one night. But before we left San Antonio, Sam's truck did not want to start. Sam tried fixing it for a good while. And nothing...it wouldn't start. While Sam was fixing it, my prayer was simple, "God, please get this truck started....You say I can ask for anything in your name, so I am asking this, please let this truck start." We tried starting it a lot of times...still nothing. Sam said he was praying too. We waited about 1 hour, Sam trying to fix it on and off. Sam tried again...it started!

We were both very excited (because it started) but most importantly because we prayed about it and God gave us the answer that we wanted.

God please help my unbelief cause You are faithful, yes You are faithful. (Faithful, Steven Curtis Chapman)

Thankful Thursday

Today, I am thankful for several things. Here's the one that I want to share. I am thankful that Christian songs are not like every other song. I don't mean the obvious difference in that they are about God. I love that alot of them are 8, 9 minutes long. Seriously. Might seem trivial, but I love that they are so long. It's amazing how listening to a worship song can bring peace after a hectic day.

After I get out of work, I put on my earphones and listen to music while I wait for the bus. Worship songs mainly. Sometimes I just want to start singing out loud. It's hard to describe the feeling other than peaceful. I take that back; sometimes, I get excited and just start smiling. It's like for those few minutes a day, I forget everything else.

"You are my God, and I will praise You, you are my God and I will exalt you!" Psalm 118:28

Monday Music

This is a perfect song to wake up to every morning. We all have something to say.



"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Proverbs 16:9

Free Rambling Friday

Want to hear something interesting? (Well in my mind it's interesting) This past Saturday I posted the lyrics to Word of God speak and once Monday rolled around I haven't stopped blogging. Is it possible that bits of my posts is God giving me the words to speak (or write)...crazy thought but are they my words or a bit of His words? As much as it may sound kinda out there, it's my blog and I'm sticking to it :).

It's a nice reminder to me...that God does listen...even if we don't always realize it.

Notice the title of my blog today? Trying out something new. So now that I am rambling, my weekend has been off to a great start. Drove home from work with my sister, stopped for some ice cream, and Sam and I are having dinner with our friends Rachel and Jaime tonight.

"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need. So don't worrry about tomorrow for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Todays's trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:33-34

Thankful Thursday

Today, I am thankful for my friends. Thank you God for placing my friends in my life. You have placed them in the my life in Your perfect timing.

His faithful love endures forever.

Lesson 35: Cross the Line

Are you "all in"? Have you stepped over the line to live all out for God? To trust Him no matter what?

Once I decided to "cross the line" and be on fire for God...life was good, awesome, the best it had ever been...until that one day. But I'm still across the line except with a whole new view, a new perspective.

Here are a few things that giving your life to Jesus does not mean.

1. It does not mean you "have" to be perfect. We are imperfect people who have been saved by God's grace.

2. It does not mean you "should not" have doubts. Doubt is a part of the human condition (learned this at church this last Sunday).

3. It does not mean that you "will not" have struggles. The Bible says the complete opposite. If we are to share in God's glory, we are to share in His suffering.

Before I crossed over the line and gave myself completely to God, I used to think that I should not pray for myself because there were other people who were more worthy of having God answer their prayers. And I also thought that I could accomplish anything I wanted to. A while back I was talking to a friend who said that she liked going to church but hadn't gone in a long time because she made wrong choices throughout the week and her choices didn't reflect a "Christian" life. I can completely relate as I have been there too.

But that's the beauty of God though...you can mess up all week and then still go to church on Sunday. God will be waiting. Slowly or rapidly He can change your heart...you just have to ask Him to do so. You have to want it. You'll find yourself making different choices once you continuously feel God's presence...once you begin living to please God.

Crossing the line is the best decision I have ever made in my life. It's really the only decision that will ultimately matter. The rest of my life is now driven by this one choice.

Costa Rica and God

This last week Sam and I had the opportunity to go on our first mission trip with COF. It was an amazing experience. I wish I had something profound to say but the truth is...I don't. All I can say is it was, to me, one way that we as individuals and as a couple can glorify God. I love that Sam loved it as much as I did (he even mentioned moving there which I am totally for if it makes him more on fire for God).

We got to spend time in La Carpio. La Carpio is the roughest area in San Jose. The work our church has done in the area is awesome. The kids there were so excited to hang out with us. I think I may have been more excited than they were. It was a great feeling to feel like I was 10 years old again :). I painted nails, passed out stickers, played a little soccer and basketball, gave piggy back rides. It kinda made me think of how I wasn't aware of the time at all and that sometimes when my niece asks me to play with her...I am inconvenienced. It should be the same, shouldn't it? I should willingly give my time to her.

After the first day in La Carpio, we were given the chance to go visit the orphanage in Coronado or stay in La Carpio. My decision was easy - I wanted to stay and play! The kids would either call me "gringa" or "china"...china I have been called before but never gringa...I thought that was pretty funny.

I hope that we get to go back to visit our new friends in La Carpio and I hope that we never lose focus of glorifying God.

Lesson 34: Wisdom

One of my favorite people told me the following when I was barely starting my walk with God.

"God is a God of redemption, healing, second, third, fourth and many chances..."

No matter how many times we fall, we break, we mess up..."God is a God of redemption, healing, second, third, fourth and many chances..."

This piece of wisdom crosses my mind frequently.

Lesson 33: Word of God Speak

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

Lyrics by Mercy Me

Commandments

"If you love me, you will obey my commands." John 14:15

1. You must not have any other God before me.
2. You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea.
3. You must not misuse the name of the Lord your God.
4. Remember to observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.
5. Honor your father and mother.
6. You must not murder.
7. You must not commit adultery.
8. You must not steal.
9. You must not testify falsely against your neighbor.
10. You must not covet your neighbor's house.

Are there only 10 commandments? Could the following be considered commands as well?

- "Pray for those who persecute you!" Matthew 5:44

- "Don't do your good deeds publicly, to be admired by others, for you will lose your reward from your Father in heaven." Matthew 6:1

- "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries." Matthew 6:34

- "Do not judge others, and you will not be judged." Matthew 7:1

- "Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you." Matthew 7:12

- "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

- "...You must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me..." Matthew 16:24

- "...Love your neighbor as yourself." Matthew 19:18

I'm not an expert by any means but I like to think there are more than just 10 commandments.

My Prayer

I've made a friend in the last few weeks and have only spoken to her twice. And twice I have been amazed about her passion for God. I have passion for God but it is not that obvious in my daily conversations with others. Her on the other hand, WOW. Listening to her talk was very interesting and inspiring. As she was sharing with me a bit about her life, it was quite evident that she lives all out for God. During one conversation, she quickly stopped and said she was sorry if she talked so much but pointed out that it was for God's glory (and it did glorify Him) :). I was so intrigued by the fire she has for God, I listened intently and occasionally interrupted to ask questions. The way she communicated her love for God was awesome. The way she was serving God was awesome. The way she spread the Good News was awesome.

My prayer is that one day I will have an obvious fire for God that can be seen and heard by those that I meet. That they can leave and say wow, I want to be like her...on fire for God.

I Have To Know

I read this book called Jesus Freaks (Martyrs) by dc Talk and The Voice of the Martyrs. It's a compilation of stories of those who stood for Jesus: the ultimate Jesus Freaks.

The stories in the book cover a vast time period, from early AD up until the late 90s. It's just amazing, heartbreaking(for the suffering endured) and inspiring, how so many people have stood firm for Jesus knowing the persecution that was right around the corner, knowing that a horrible death that could have been avoided if they denied Jesus. They did the only thing they knew...stand firm in their faith even if that meant torture and death. Their faith was so great that they courageously did all they could to spread the Good News even if it costed their lives. Here is Thomas Hauker's story:

Thomas Hauker
England
1555

"Thomas," his friend lowered his voice so as not to be heard by the guard. "I have to ask you this favor. I need to know if what the others say about the grace of God is true. Tomorrow, when they burn you at the stake, if the pain is tolerable and your mind is still at peace, lift your hands above your head. Do it right before you die. Thomas, I have to know."

Thomas Hauker whispered to his friend, "I will."

The next morning, Hauker was bound to the stake and the fire was lit. The fire burned a long time, but Hauker remained motionless. His skin was burnt to a crisp and his fingers were gone. Everyone watching supposed he was dead. Suddenly; miraculously, Hauker lifted his hands, still on fire, over his head. He reached them up to the living God, and then, with great rejoicing, clapped them together three times.

The people there broke into shouts of praise and applause. Hauker's friend had his answer.

"My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness...It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now...I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."
-Paul the Apostle, Martyred in Rome, 65 AD (2 Corinthians 12:9-10, The Message)

Lesson # 32: Give Even More Thanks

Thank You God - Part 3

61. Thank you God for giving us endurance to run this race called life.

62. Thank you God for laughter.

63. Thank you God for the role models in my life.

64. Thank you God for giving Sam the cooking skills I don't have.

65. Thank you God for giving me the courage to start this blog.

66. Thank you God for the air we breathe.

67. Thank you God for Treebeard's hot sauce.

68. Thank you God for the enjoyment I find in my job.

69. Thank you God for my mom, who instilled in her children the value of hard work.

70. Thank you God leading me back to You every time I am filled with doubts and negative thoughts.

71. Thank you God for blogs that I read that are about You and your great love.

72. Thank you God for air conditioning.

73. Thank you God for our first upcoming mission trip to Costa Rica; may it be the first of many.

74. Thank you God for shower caps.

75. Thank you God for my CPA license.

76. Thank you God for traveling Broadway shows.

77. Thank you God for electricity.

78. Thank you God for calculators.

79. Thank you God for umbrellas.

80. Thank you God for cruise control.

81. Thank you God for me and Sam being equally messy.

82. Thank you God for helping me get out of debt.

83. Thank you God for First Thursdays.

84. Thank you God for raising Jesus from the dead to show all that You are Lord.

85. Thank you God for salvation.

86. Thank you God for deeming us worthy of Communion.

87. Thank you God for each brand new day you give us.

88. Thank you God for stealing my heart and holding it captive.

89. Thank you God for your mercy.

90. Thank you God for band-aids.

91. Thank you God for thunder storms.

92. Thank you God for the promise of eternity.

93. Thank you God for lightening bugs (at least that's what we called them as kids).

94. Thank you God for disposable kitchen wear.

95. Thank you God for pizza.

96. Thank you God for toothpaste.

97. Thank you God for holidays.

98. Thank you God for water.

99. Thank you God for online banking.

100. Thank you God for working in my life.

"Enter his gates with thanksgiving; go into his gates with praise. Give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good. His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation." Psalm 100:4-5

Lesson #31: Give More Thanks

Thank You God - Part 2

31. Thank you God for hot water.

32. Thank you God for treadmills.

33. Thank you God for reminding me that life is not all about me.

34. Thank you God for the healing power that Jesus brought to Earth and all the people he healed; for the stories we read in the Bible and what we see today.

35. Thank you God for every day miracles.

36. Thank you God for the religious freedom we have in the U.S.

37. Thank you God for dry cleaners.

38. Thank you God for complete strangers with caring hearts.

39. Thank you God for keeping all my cousins who have been to Iraq and Afghanistan safe.

40. Thank you God for the desire to really want to know You.

41. Thank you God for restoring my marriage.

42. Thank you God for always picking me up when I fall.

43. Thank you God for making the sky blue. Only You would make it a nice calming color.

44. Thank you God for giving me the desire to read and learn your Word.

45. Thank you God for providing me with an indescribable peace when I need it most.

46. Thank you God for removing the guilt I once carried around with me.

47. Thank you God for showing me that You are the only way.

48. Thank you God for creating me.

49. Thank you God for loving me.

50. Thank you God for Texas weather.

51. Thank you God for instant oatmeal.

52. Thank you God for my nightly dreams when Zavier is in them.

53. Thank you God for showing me that it is all about You.

54. Thank you God for Your will.

55. Thank you God for the good plans You have for us all.

56. Thank you God for flip flops.

57. Thank you God for ear phones.

58. Thank you God for Your unfailing love.

59. Thank you God for giving Sam the tolerance to listen to me sing the whole way during road trips.

60. Thank you God for letting me understand that I am not in control; You are.

"I give you thanks, O Lord, with all my heart"...Psalm 138:1

Lesson # 30 - Give Thanks

Thank You God - Part 1

1. Thank you God for family.

2. Thank you God for friends.

3. Thank you God for my health.

4. Thank you God for my family's health.

5. Thank you God for second chances.

6. Thank you God for my job.

7. Thank you God for COF.

8. Thank you God for sending Jesus to die for us.

9. Thank you God for weekends.

10. Thank you God for allowing me to make my own mistakes.

11. Thank you God for peanut butter.

12. Thank you God for pepsi max.

13. Thank you God for the Metro park n ride.

14. Thank you God for music.

15. Thank you God for placing the desire in me to live all out for You.

16. Thank you God for my education.

17. Thank you God for those who write/sing/play Christian music.

18. Thank you God for the time I spent holding my nephew Zavier.

19. Thank you God for a great 4th of July holiday with my entire family.

20. Thank you God for an awesome husband, Sam.

21.Thank you God for mazapans.

22. Thank you God for redemption.

23. Thank you God for keeping me and others safe for the times I chose to drink and drive.

24. Thank you God for LASIK.

25. Thank you God for all the encouragers in my life.

26. Thank you God for DVR.

27. Thank you God for no car payment.

28. Thank you God for youtube.

29. Thank you God for hair straighteners.

30. Thank you God for letting me experience your presence.


"Let all that I am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me." Psalm 103:1-2

A Grudge?

Ever since January 8, 2010, my life has been separated into two time periods...before Zavier and after Zavier. Before Zavier passed away, and after Zavier passed away.

It wasn't long before Zavier was brought into this world, that I had discovered what it truly meant to be a follower of Christ. I was on fire for God when our world came crashing down.

I love God with all my heart and am still on fire for Him. But it's like I love Him just a little more when I think of our life "before Zavier" (before Zavier died). Every worship song that once brought tears to my eyes no longer has the same effect when I am thinking about our lives "after Zavier". It's like I have a grudge against our great God. A grudge that I don't want to have, a grudge that I want so badly to let go of.

One day I want to experience the tears of thankfulness, complete thankfulness, that once came so easily.

"Make thankfulness your sacrifice to God..." Psalm 50:14

Every day

Every day I am in awe of my sister, Erica. I admire her strength although I am pretty sure she does not know how much strength she has. Today, we went to visit Zavier and she left a small flag and flowers (patriotic colored flowers) for the 4th of July holiday. She decorates his headstone for every holiday. It seems surreal to say that but every holiday that has been...Valentine's Day, Easter, Father's Day. Holidays will come and go without Zavier here and my sister will always continue to amaze me.

By God's grace, my sister is strong.

"...For I have chosen you and will not throw you away. Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:9-10

Make Me Over

I've been silent instead of speaking up
Gave my advice instead of giving love
I have been unfair, faithless and unkind
I have shut my eyes just so I would stay blind
It's not what I meant to do
'Cause I wanna honor you

Make me over, make me new
Make me a mirror, a reflection of you
Take me all apart
Take me to your heart and pull me closer
Oh, Jesus, make me over
Take away the pride that whispers in the dark
Take the stone out of the middle of my heart
Hidden underneath my insecurities
Is the servant that you've destined me to be
But day after precious day
I get in my own way

Take me to your heart and pull me closer
Sweet savior, make me over

I am only made of your imagining
I'm dust and clay on the wind
Wash me in the river of your sacrifice
Until I'm changed, purified
Take me all apart
Take me to your heart and pull me closer
My Jesus, make me over

Lyrics by Natalie Grant

Glorifying God

I saw the following on Facebook...why is it that we only want Jesus when things are going wrong in life?

First I thought...well, there are probably more people who struggle and have hard lives and trials and still follow Jesus. I've seen this countless times in just the past year. I don't know if my statement is true or not, but that's what I think.

My second thought was this...is it so wrong to want Jesus when things are wrong in life? What if after you turn to God because things are going wrong in your life...you become a follower, a true follower...for the rest of your life? That's pretty awesome in my opinion, whatever circumstance or situation that brings you seeking Him...

When I moved to Houston, I moved to run away from my old life, from my marriage, from my friends, from my job (all my circumstances). When I got to Houston I slowly began putting my life in the order I wanted it to be...because I was in control of life...always had been and always wanted to be. I found a good job in Houston, started saving money to pay debt, started working out, stopped drinking excessively. Then next on my list...was to find a church. It wasn't to find God...I just wanted to go to church since I had always known God (or knew about Him, should I say). I was feeling pretty proud of myself, the way I had made big changes in my life on my own...next on my list was church. If only I go consistenly to church...my list would be mostly complete.

Well, I found one. And never in my wildest dreams did I believe that I would fall in love...with God! I didn't really consider that finding a church meant finding God, letting Him into my life, letting Him lead my life, and acknowledging and believing that He is in control. Not only have I found Him, but I have a relationship with Him. Church was something that I was brought up to do...tradition, go to church on Sunday and pray at night. Growing up, I can't really say that I learned in church to depend on God in all that we do. But I've learned it now...

I am trusting God with all that am I and all that I encounter in this life. Often I don't understand the how's and why's but slowly I am accepting that it is not my purpose to understand. Our lives are not really about us or about our struggles and successes...it's about glorifying God in our lives, when we struggle or when we succeed.

Bottle By My Bed

I heard the song below on the radio tonight. I can totally relate.

My life was as empty
as the bottle by my bed
My friends turned into strangers
and i was all but dead
Jesus came and found me there
that day those demons left
and my life was as empty
as the bottle by my bed

My first taste of the spirit
It brought me to my knees
I knew that i was helpless
I prayed Lord help me please
Each time was the last time
That's what i always said
when my life was as empty
as the bottle by my bed

By my bed
everything seemed further out of reach
and in my head
Oh i found it hard to practice what i preached

Now i'm going back home
It's down this path i'm led
and i'm no longer empty
like the bottle by my bed

Sometimes this road gets lonesome
and i wish that i could fly
Don't be afraid to stop me
when i pass you by
We'll sit and watch the sun go down
as the waters turn to red
and if you like i can tell you all
about the bottle by my bed

Thank God that i'm not empty
like the bottle by my bed

Lyrics by Jason Boland and the Stragglers

Lesson #29: Drinking Again...

So...I broke my no drinking streak this last weekend. I gave in and had some wine. And the coolest thing happened...I was not impressed at all by having a few glasses of wine. I didn't like the taste, I didn't like the way it made me feel, and I definitely didn't like the way I felt the next morning.

After 12 months of no drinking, I had been contemplating whether or not to drink. I thought about it and thought about it...and quite frankly wanted to do it for the wrong reasons. But this past weekend wasn't for the wrong reasons...there was no pain, tiredness, or stress that I was trying to ignore...AND God was simply in control. I believe He has truly changed the desires of my heart. I could have easily kept on drinking the rest of the weekend and had the opportunity to. I simply didn't want to or feel the need to drink after that.

I'm glad I got the need to "test out drinking" out of my system. Thank you God for showing me that You are all I need.

Lesson #28 - Weekly Wisdom

I subscribe to Christ Notes and once a week they send out a "weekly wisdom" email. This week's wisdom is a HUGE reminder to me. It could have not come at a more perfect time. Here is what it says:

Don't doubt in the dark what God has shown you in the light.

No matter how hard you try, in a room that's completely dark, you'll never be able to see anything. Even if you know for sure that something is in the room, it's impossible to see it if the room is totally dark. You know it's there, but you just can't see it.

That's what faith is like. You may be absolutely confident that God loves you; however, during the difficult and dark times in life, you may not be able to see that love.

Hebrews 11:1 defines faith as being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Even when you don't see God's love for you, you can still have faith that he loves you -- that is, you can be certain that he loves you, even though you don't see it.

During those "dark times" in your spiritual life, you may not be able to see God's love, his faithfulness, his grace, or his promises to you; however, don't lose your faith. Be certain of what [you] do not see.

One day, your faith will be sight.

I thought this was pretty awesome!

Lately...

Lately, I've been feeling, well, kind of...jaded. The more I read, the more I question. The more I see my family struggle, the more I question. Questions about God and life. It's a daily struggle to get these questions out of my head.

Today's message at church was being confident in Christ with all that we entrust to Him. If we don't give Him our struggles, how can we expect Him to help us? How are we to be confident in Christ if we don't entrust all to Him?

Here is a little insight to my "jadedness"...which I'm not sure is even a word. What if we give it all to Him but He is still not helping us? What kind of a question is this? It's now that I have to step back and be thankful that He has gotten us this far for now. He will not stop being there for us. He will not forget us and has not forgotten us. Things may not happen on my schedule, but things will happen and situations will get better. Even if I can't see, I will still believe.


I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were crying too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

Lyrics from the David Crowder Band

All I Can Say

Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where You sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now
I know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything...

Lyrics from the David Crowder Band

Lesson #27: His Love is the Only Promise That Remains

Lately, my mind has been filled with questions and doubts. Questions and doubts about God...I was letting my emotions and the way I was feeling take control of my thoughts. Through all this thinking, I found myself very tired...not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. As thoughts were running through my head...me feeling sorry for myself...I hear the following song...it's a love song written by Justin Timberlake (sung by him and Reba McEntire).

The Only Promise That Remains:

When the ground beneath you starts a-shakin', shakin’
And you forget the place we came from, came from
When you're lost and lookin' for a way home
You're way home to me
I'll come out and find you
When the world around you starts a-movin', movin’
And you should wonder if I still love you, love you
If you feel the darkness comin', risin' inside
I'll make a light to guide you back home

And after all the sky has fallin' down
And after all the water's washed away
My love's the only promise that remains

When your doubts have got you thinkin', thinkin'
Nothing's ever really sacred, sacred

And you're afraid you might believe it
Believe in me
And I'll give you a reason
Cuz the world around us keeps on movin', movin’
And there's no doubt that I still love you, love you
So when you feel the darkness comin', risin' inside
I'll make a light to guide you back home

To me...these are God's words to us...after all the sky has fallen down and after all the waters washed away...HIS love is the only promise that remains. It's exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment.

If your sinful nature controls your mind, there is death. But if the Holy Spirit controls your mind, there is life and peace. Romans 8:6

Heartache

It would be you lyrics (Gary Allan)

It's hard describing a heartache
All because it's a one of a kind of thing
A serious injury
And a whole lot of endless pain
If it was a storm
I'd compare to a hurricane
Oh it's even got a name

If it was a drink
It would be a strong one
If it was a sad song
It would be a long one
If it was a color
It would be a deep deep blue
But if we're talking about a heartache
It would be you

If it was a full moon
It would be a total eclipse
If it was a tidal wave
It would sink a thousand ships
If it was a blizzard
It would be a record breaking cold
If it was a lie
It would be the biggest story you've ever told

The biggest heartache of my family's life is losing Zavier. Everyday my heart aches for us, especially for my sister and Juliana. At 9, Juliana knows way too much, (maybe that's a good thing, I don't know). Zavier is always on her mind...today, I tried to point out a life lesson to her - "You can't always get what you want". Her response, "I know that already...I want Zavier and I can't have him." She knows so much more than she should at her age.

Seeing my family go through this is makes it hard to believe that God does have a plan. Seeing and feeling the heartache makes it hard...

I have to remember that in this life, we are to walk by faith and not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7).

I will stand upon Your truth

I've never really read the Bible much before this last year. First time around, I sped through it wanting to read it all. Now the second time around, I'm reading it a bit slower. In the book of Romans, there are many truths to stand upon:

1. For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ. It is the power of God at work, saving everyone who believes...1:16

2. For God does not show favoritism. 2:11

3. ...And a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people. 2:29

4. We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are. For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard. 3:22-23

5. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5:3-4

6. ...Instead, give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have new life. 6:12

7. So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. 8:6

8. ...But if we are to share His glory, we must also share His suffering. Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal later to us. 8:17-18

9. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will. 8:27

10. Don't copy the behavior and custom of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect...don't think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us. 12:2-3

11. Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honoring each other. 12:9-10

12. Never pay back evil with more evil. 12:17

13. Accept other believers who are weak in faith, and don't argue with them about what they think is right or wrong.14:1

14. For we don't live for ourselves or die for ourselves. If we live, it's to honor the Lord. And if we die, it's to honor the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. Christ died and rose again for this very purpose - to be Lord both of the living and of the dead. 14:7-9

15. Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory. 15:7

Spinning

Today, with a little hesitation, I went with my sister to a spinning class...my first ever. It's very doubtful that I will go back. BUT it was an interesting class...during the warm-up my legs were already burning. Apparently, you have to set the resistance and I didn't...so the last person to use the bike had it set really high! I finally figured that out. 4 minutes into the class...the trainer lady says that it's a 55-minute class!! 8 minutes into it...I wanted to quit. Every 10 minutes I said to myself "ok, this is it, I'll just go sit on the side and watch everyone else do it." Then I figured well I might as well burn as many calories as I can and kept on. Not an intense speed but my legs were still moving :)

I've always been the type of person that if I wasn't great at something right away...I'd quit. I am kinda like an all or nothing person...which has it's advantages and disadvantages, I guess.

The spinning class was no different...mentally and physically, I didn't really want to do it. I had made up my mind to stop trying to keep up and just finish the class at a comfortable pace. The instructor was awesome...she kept coaching and motivating the whole way through. She'd say stuff like "don't give up, finish the race". She even said "you are the best", (ok, so maybe she didn't really mean to direct that to me but she said it nonetheless). There was absolutely nothing she could say that could make me decide to really give it all I had. Why? Because my mind was made up, my thoughts took control. But I kept on going, and she kept encouraging.

This little scenario above reminds me of a relationship with God. No matter how much God loves us and wants us to know Him, no matter how much He encourages us, it's up to us to decide to "choose" Him.

And during this race called life, no matter what speed we are going, God is still going to be there encouraging us to give all we have. He will never give up on us no matter how long it will take for us to really know Him.

Jeremiah 29:13-14 "If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you," says the Lord...

To Know You

I want nothing more than to know God.

To Know You (Casting Crowns)

To know you is never worry for my life, and
To know you is to never to give in or compromise
To know you is to want to tell the world about you
Cause I can't live without you

To know you is to hear your voice when you are calling
To know you is to catch my brother when he is falling
To know you is to feel the pain of the broken hearted
Cause they can't live with out you.

More than my next breath
More than life or death
All reaching for, I live my life to know you more
I leave it all behind, you are all that satisfies
To know you is to want to know you more
To know you is to want to know you more

To know you is to ache for more than ordinary
To know you is to look beyond the temporary
To know you is believing that you will be enough
Cause there is no life without you

More than my next breath
More than life or death
All reaching for, I live my life to know you more
I leave it all behind, you are all that satisfies
To know you is to want to know you more
To know you is to want to know you more

All this life could offer me, could not compare to you
Compare to you
And I count it all as lost, compared to knowing you
Knowing you

Faith

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1

Faith seems easy enough when things are going your way...when life is what "you" planned it to be. But what happens when things don't go your way...when life is not what you expected? It's easy for your faith to start diminishing a bit or even rapidly before you know it. Your mind starts thinking what if God is not really for us...or really doesn't want us to have all the things we ever wanted. That's the time we need to re-focus our thoughts not on "ourselves" but on Him. Focus on His will, His love, His desires for us...even though we don't know exactly what He desires for us...IT IS GOOD. God desires good things for us. In this life, it's hard to know, believe, and have faith in this. But it is true - God loves us more than we can ever know.

"...and let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus the champion who initiates and perfects our faith." Hebrews 12:1-2

Never in a million years did I ever think that I would ever get along with my sister. Growing up 3 years apart from each other, we were constantly annoyed with each other or fighting with each other. Seriously, from what I can remember. I remember my mom would make her take me wherever her and her friends were going for some period of our lives. I was happy to go along and give my sister a hard time.

Once she moved out of the room we had shared our entire lives, I think we both started realizing that we could actually get along and even found that we shared some common interests. Little by little we were becoming real sisters.

Today, she is my best friend. I think she is an absolutely awesome person (perhaps, because she reminds me of...well, me :p). I love the way we can talk about something serious, something completely retarded, or just nothing at all.

Thank you God for Erica.

Lesson #26

I've always struggled finding a job that I felt good at and even finding a job that I really want to have. I've been a cashier, server, teller, teacher, and accountant (3 different types). I graduated from college 6 years ago and am at my 4th job :) I guess I've always wanted to be the best at something...anything, really.

I hate learning curves, I really do. I am totally impatient and if I try something that I am not automatically good at...I lose interest fast.

But not so much anymore...

Surprisingly, I've learned to be satisfied with myself when it comes to jobs. I've always had a desire to "want to make a difference". Who doesn't? I tried teaching, and that obviously did not work out:).

I have learned that no matter what type of job I am doing that I am working for God. If I can put into practice what I believe no matter where I am at or what I am doing...isn't that kinda making a difference?

I read the following verse a while back, and since then I always remember this while I am working...

"Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ." Colossians 3:23-24

Hi, my name is Lanie and I am a GOD-a-holic.

Here is my favorite drinking-related verse, "Mark my words - I will not drink wine again until the day I drink it new with you in My Father's Kingdom." Matthew 26:29

Jesus said that during the last supper. I found that to be very cool.

Lesson #25

You can't live your life trying to please people.

Well, you could, but what kinda life would that be? A frustrated one, a resentful one? We watched Alice in Wonderland today, and Alice was told that she couldn't live her life trying to please people. She had a choice - what was she going to choose?

I had always thought that I did things because other people wanted me to. There were expectations that I felt I needed to meet. Now, whether people saw that or not, I'm not sure. But that's how I felt. And at one point in my life, I completely stopped doing what others wanted me to - they were trying to help me, but I, like a child, ran in the completely opposite direction. I was at point that I would not listen to a single word because I had always done what everyone else wanted. That's the funny thing - they were trying to help me, guide me in my choices, but it was time for me to start doing what "I" wanted no matter what the cost. I, selfishly, followed not God's ways, but my ways. I was done pleasing people but in a completely wrong way.

Now knowing God, knowing Him more than I ever have in my life - I don't want to please people. I want to please God. I want to do things that please Him. I want to live my life for Him - no matter what the cost.

"If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?" Matthew 16:24-26

Lesson #24

I was really confused for awhile...about thankfulness and about being thankful to God for everything. Nowadays, I just can't be thankful for everything. Lots of things, yes, but not everything.

A wise person told me this... "God tells us to give thanks IN everything. But he doesn't say we have to thank him FOR everything." Can I just tell you how relieved I was to hear this? :) I learned that even though you might not FEEL thankful or grateful, it's ok. God doesn't ask us to feel it, just to choose to thank him in the middle of the storm.

And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow Him. Let your roots grow down into Him, and let your lives be built on Him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness. Colossians 2:6-7

Lesson #23

It's easy...it's actually too easy. Too easy to lose sight of God. It's easy to become caught up in this world. It's probably the easiest thing to do. It's also easy to get caught up and not even recognize it. Especially when that's exactly what the devil wants you to do.

Put into practice what you believe...everything else is just religious talk. That's what I heard in church today. Short and to the point, but definitely not easy. This is exactly what God wants us to do...believe His word and not only believe it but more importantly practice it.

Lesson #22

How does it feel? I think that line is from a song, but I can't place it and it's been in my head all day...but it's my theme for this post.

How does it feel to long for something you can't have or haven't gotten just yet? How does it feel to face obstacle after obstacle? Or even just one obstacle?

I wonder how those people who have "everything" feel. What is everything anyway? God certainly prepared me a bit for 2010.

"...if we are to share His glory, we must also share His suffering." Romans 8:17

Lesson #21

Lesson #21: Anxiety - I started having anxiety when I was teacher (yes, a teacher...for a very SHORT period in my life :)). It is now more of a repressed memory :p Although in retrospect it was a good life experience, during that time I felt awful, physically and mentally. I literally made myself sick with anxiety. Once I "retired" from teaching, I learned to let go a little bit. I learned to accept that I couldn't be perfect. I learned to not fight things beyond my control. But I still had some anxiety in the next few jobs I had. Mostly, it was an extremely uncomfortable, constant feeling in my chest.

I've learned to get rid of my anxiety. Here is my secret on how to get rid of it...wait for it...

GOD. The secret is God. It's really amazing how even when I am stressed at work...that I no longer have the anxiety attacks. It's actually an awesome feeling to not have the anxiety. This is not to say that I don't have bad days...this I do, but it's different when you don't feel like your chest is going to explode. I've learned that no matter how much you want to do things your way - you are not in control - God is.

Throughout 2010 (and it's only the beginning) I have gone through soooo many emotions, even on a daily basis...but what hasn't returned is my anxiety. Knowing that God is in control of my life brings a peace to me; a comforting peace.

"...if the Holy Spirit controls your mind, there is life and peace." Romans 8:6