Every day

Every day I am in awe of my sister, Erica. I admire her strength although I am pretty sure she does not know how much strength she has. Today, we went to visit Zavier and she left a small flag and flowers (patriotic colored flowers) for the 4th of July holiday. She decorates his headstone for every holiday. It seems surreal to say that but every holiday that has been...Valentine's Day, Easter, Father's Day. Holidays will come and go without Zavier here and my sister will always continue to amaze me.

By God's grace, my sister is strong.

"...For I have chosen you and will not throw you away. Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:9-10

Make Me Over

I've been silent instead of speaking up
Gave my advice instead of giving love
I have been unfair, faithless and unkind
I have shut my eyes just so I would stay blind
It's not what I meant to do
'Cause I wanna honor you

Make me over, make me new
Make me a mirror, a reflection of you
Take me all apart
Take me to your heart and pull me closer
Oh, Jesus, make me over
Take away the pride that whispers in the dark
Take the stone out of the middle of my heart
Hidden underneath my insecurities
Is the servant that you've destined me to be
But day after precious day
I get in my own way

Take me to your heart and pull me closer
Sweet savior, make me over

I am only made of your imagining
I'm dust and clay on the wind
Wash me in the river of your sacrifice
Until I'm changed, purified
Take me all apart
Take me to your heart and pull me closer
My Jesus, make me over

Lyrics by Natalie Grant

Glorifying God

I saw the following on Facebook...why is it that we only want Jesus when things are going wrong in life?

First I thought...well, there are probably more people who struggle and have hard lives and trials and still follow Jesus. I've seen this countless times in just the past year. I don't know if my statement is true or not, but that's what I think.

My second thought was this...is it so wrong to want Jesus when things are wrong in life? What if after you turn to God because things are going wrong in your life...you become a follower, a true follower...for the rest of your life? That's pretty awesome in my opinion, whatever circumstance or situation that brings you seeking Him...

When I moved to Houston, I moved to run away from my old life, from my marriage, from my friends, from my job (all my circumstances). When I got to Houston I slowly began putting my life in the order I wanted it to be...because I was in control of life...always had been and always wanted to be. I found a good job in Houston, started saving money to pay debt, started working out, stopped drinking excessively. Then next on my list...was to find a church. It wasn't to find God...I just wanted to go to church since I had always known God (or knew about Him, should I say). I was feeling pretty proud of myself, the way I had made big changes in my life on my own...next on my list was church. If only I go consistenly to church...my list would be mostly complete.

Well, I found one. And never in my wildest dreams did I believe that I would fall in love...with God! I didn't really consider that finding a church meant finding God, letting Him into my life, letting Him lead my life, and acknowledging and believing that He is in control. Not only have I found Him, but I have a relationship with Him. Church was something that I was brought up to do...tradition, go to church on Sunday and pray at night. Growing up, I can't really say that I learned in church to depend on God in all that we do. But I've learned it now...

I am trusting God with all that am I and all that I encounter in this life. Often I don't understand the how's and why's but slowly I am accepting that it is not my purpose to understand. Our lives are not really about us or about our struggles and successes...it's about glorifying God in our lives, when we struggle or when we succeed.

Bottle By My Bed

I heard the song below on the radio tonight. I can totally relate.

My life was as empty
as the bottle by my bed
My friends turned into strangers
and i was all but dead
Jesus came and found me there
that day those demons left
and my life was as empty
as the bottle by my bed

My first taste of the spirit
It brought me to my knees
I knew that i was helpless
I prayed Lord help me please
Each time was the last time
That's what i always said
when my life was as empty
as the bottle by my bed

By my bed
everything seemed further out of reach
and in my head
Oh i found it hard to practice what i preached

Now i'm going back home
It's down this path i'm led
and i'm no longer empty
like the bottle by my bed

Sometimes this road gets lonesome
and i wish that i could fly
Don't be afraid to stop me
when i pass you by
We'll sit and watch the sun go down
as the waters turn to red
and if you like i can tell you all
about the bottle by my bed

Thank God that i'm not empty
like the bottle by my bed

Lyrics by Jason Boland and the Stragglers

Lesson #29: Drinking Again...

So...I broke my no drinking streak this last weekend. I gave in and had some wine. And the coolest thing happened...I was not impressed at all by having a few glasses of wine. I didn't like the taste, I didn't like the way it made me feel, and I definitely didn't like the way I felt the next morning.

After 12 months of no drinking, I had been contemplating whether or not to drink. I thought about it and thought about it...and quite frankly wanted to do it for the wrong reasons. But this past weekend wasn't for the wrong reasons...there was no pain, tiredness, or stress that I was trying to ignore...AND God was simply in control. I believe He has truly changed the desires of my heart. I could have easily kept on drinking the rest of the weekend and had the opportunity to. I simply didn't want to or feel the need to drink after that.

I'm glad I got the need to "test out drinking" out of my system. Thank you God for showing me that You are all I need.