Lesson #12

Lesson #12: Earlier today, Sam, Juls, and me were playing games. Lots of games. So, the next game I came up with was the "quiet game" (let's see who can be quiet for the longest time). Of course, I lost within the first two minutes and Juls ended up winning. I think it lasted for about 5 to 7 minutes.

The game made me think of God. I was thinking that God probably wants me to play the "quiet game" with Him. Today, I learned that at least I recognized that in order to hear God, I should stop talking and listen. Embrace the quietness.

I like the way Addison Road puts it "I tried to hear from Heaven but I talked the whole time."

I would love to say that my lesson today was being able to actually be quiet, but I'm not quite there yet. One day I hope that this is a lesson I can write about.

Lesson #11

Lesson #11: My church, COF, sings one song (Live What I Believe) with the following lyric: “Let my life be the proof of the hope found in You." That’s exactly what God has planned for our little family. He wants our lives to be the proof.

The song also says "thank you for the chance to live what I believe." It's actually extremely hard to thank Him for "this" chance to live what we believe. It's hard to thank him for "taking Zavier" from us - just to live what we believe.

For me, it is easier to thank Him that "Zavier is safe", eternally safe and eternally happy. I do love that Zavier only experienced unconditional love.

Nothing is easy...God didn't promise "easy". But often times, I find myself wondering...why couldn't He give us another way, another kind of chance to live what we believe...something, well, "easy". But that's not what He promises.

In this moment, I choose to trust God.

Lesson #10

Lesson #10: You can't make someone else's pain go away. No matter how much you want or how much you try...you just can't. I guess this is another obvious lesson; but it amazes me...how something so simple is really a lesson for me.

I read the other day on Denise Hildreth's blog (see link on right)that you should give it all to God.

To me, "give it all to God" means giving your worries, your pain, your feelings of helplessness and sadness. Give it ALL to Him.

Lesson #9

Lesson #9: Sam and I took Juliana to tumbling class tonight. After tumbling, Juliana was very excited to report that this was the first time she was able to do a "standing back handspring". She said it was because she had her "lucky angel, Zavier". We then talked about her upcoming race on February 13th, the 2nd Annual Bulldog Races. Last year she took 2nd place so this year we are hoping for 1st :) She said that she knows she will hear Zavier cheering her on...she was quick to add "well, not actually hear him, but feel him cheering me on in my heart".

Faith - childlike faith...that's what we need to learn, believe, and put into practice.

Lesson #8

Lesson #8: Bad things happen to good people. Now, this may seem like an obvious lesson...that's because it is. Bad things happen to good people ALL the time. Except why is it kind of different when the bad things happen to the ones you love?

A good friend gave me a copy of an interview with Rick Warren. Here is an excerpt of what he says:

"I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for."

Sometimes it is hard to believe that bad things do happen to good people. But I know it does. Erica and Felix - great parents, don't drink, didn't go out on the weekends and leave Juliana and Zavier to go out to a club or bar (and they are fairly young :)). Juliana goes to tumbling class, CCD class; they even have fight nights and watch UFC together, they go offroading in their jeep. They have their little family here in Houston, no other family members here in Houston before I got here. They do everything together, mostly everything. If Juliana was not with Felix, she was with Erica. A strong, solid family.

Bad things happen. Losing Zavier feels like "bad" doesn't even cover it; doesn't even scratch the surface. Not a bit.

I have learned that bad things happen to good people. But I will never fully understand why.

Rick Warren also says this, "God is more interested in your character than your comfort. God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy...

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD."

Lesson #7

Lesson #7 - Selflessness. Not an easy lesson and definitely not an easy feat. I've seen people's selflessness and it's pretty amazing. Some examples:

1. My mother-in-law Armandina Andrade visiting me in the hospital 60+ miles from her home while undergoing chemo. Get this - she couldn't even go inside the hospital, so she stayed in the car and had my father-in-law come up to visit me. Despite her having a chemo treatment just a couple days before, she was determined to go visit me - even if it meant from the parking lot. That's the kind of heart she had.

2. My mom paying for my trip to Europe in 2000. She used money from her 401k so I could go tour Europe with my friends. Now, I am not sure that she will be able to retire in time (I'm just joking :)).

3. My sister and Felix letting me live with them for one year - practically rent free and bill free. We were one big happy family - I called myself the second daughter. I'd come home and yell, "mom, dad, I'm home". I miss those days :)

4. My husband, Sam, giving money to his workers if the company he worked for did not pay the workers on time. He would give them personal checks so that they could have money for their families. And it was no small amount, I'll tell you that. Also, at the time I was not a happy camper about that. But now that I look back, I am proud of him for that.

5. Countless people taking time out of their day and schedule to be with my sister, me, and my family for Zavier's services and preparing for Zavier's services. And the many more who offered their time to pray for us and are still praying for us. Many people who we don't even know or talk to on a regular basis. Friends that spent time with me - helping me and Erica get things ready. To be quite honest, I didn't do much even though I should have or appeared that I was doing alot. I had good friends who helped me through it all:)

6. Jesus dying on the cross for us. The ultimate sacrifice and act of selflessness. He died to pay for our sins. (Technically, I said above that these are examples I've seen - except for this one, but I do know and believe it).

I've learned that being selfless is what I want to be one day. Last night Sam told me..."you are not as selfish as you once were". So it looks like I may be headed in the right direction :) Each day, I want to be a little less selfish.

Lesson #6

Lesson #6: To drink or not to drink? In 2009, I've learned that NOT to drink is a pretty awesome feeling. My biggest influences to not drink have been my sister Erica and my brother-in-law Felix.

When I moved to Houston and into their house, I saw the way they lived and wanted to be like them. No drinking for them...AND get this...they still had fun! I found that very interesting. While living with them...I drank occasionally, not too much as I did when I lived back home on my own. But eventually, I thought I'd give it a try...no drinking for me. Once I stopped craving it, wanting it, thinking about it...it was a great feeling. And it still is great.

I was kinda bummed when I read in the Bible that one of Jesus' first miracles was that He created wine out of water for a wedding. But I've found alot of awesome verses about drinking. Here is one of them: Proverbs 20:1 Wine produces mockers; alcohol leads to brawls. Those led astray by drink cannot be wise.

I love that God has changed the desires of my heart and that I no longer desire alcohol/wine. I love being filled with the Spirit.

Lesson #5

Lesson #5: It's not really all about me. This lesson I've learned in the last couple of years. In 2007 and 2008, I thought that my job, my duty, my one goal in life was this...to make myself happy. Live selfishly and be happy. After all, I had never done that before. In my own little (or perhaps big, I don't know) head, everything else I had done was always for someone else. It was about time that I started living for myself. Little did I know that living for myself would entail making many, many wrong choices.

I was the center of my universe...nobody could tell me what to do, nobody could tell me how to live. Not even God...I did what I wanted, when I wanted, however I wanted.

Late in 2008 once I moved to Houston, God slowly started working in my life. It was like He was saying...you are not so happy as you once thought you were, huh? And He was right, I was very unsatisfied (putting it nicely) with myself. I started getting away from my "I am a rockstar" mentality.

Once I allowed God to really work in my life...my mindset changed...I didn't want my life to be about me. I, now, want my life to be about God. I find happiness in Him. It's not about me at all. It's about God and giving myself to Him. This is my key to happiness.

I'm glad that I learned this lesson when I did. Because if I hadn't I am 100% sure that I would not have spent all the time that I did with Zavier. He, after all, was the very first baby I ever held. Now, I never once held my nine-year old niece when she was an itty bitty baby. I had other things to do. Sounds sad! But it's true. I love that I held Zavier every chance I got and loved every minute of it (well, truthfully, except when I thought he was going to spit up on me...I would now give anything to have him spit up on me). I would give anything.

Sometimes I forget this one very important lesson...but it's an important one to come back to...my happiness is to follow Him.

Lesson #4

Lesson #4: Prayers are powerful. I've learned that prayers are powerful. I can feel people's prayers working in the lives of myself and my family right now. Daily, we have received messages that people are praying. The strength that my family has shown is incredible; it has to come from somewhere...we, ourselves, don't have the power to be that strong...it comes from God; from prayers to God.

But at the same time...

On January 8th, one of my prayers, while waiting in the hospital after we knew that we lost Baby Z was this...Jesus, please bring Zavier back to life like you brought back Lazarus. I knew that any minute the doctor would come back to the bereavement room and say...he is awake, he just woke up. Except that never happened.

Maybe I didn't pray hard enough, long enough. Was God on a lunch break? Does He even take lunch breaks? Probably not...I don't know...I will never know. What are we to make of "unanswered" prayers?

This one unanswered prayer breaks my heart every day. BUT...God has a plan, this I do know. Do I agree with it? Absolutely not. Do I accept it? As hard as it is to say yes, I do. I like to think that God chose Zavier to touch the many, many lives that he has. I also like to think that God did not want Zavier to experience all the pain that this world has; pain that everyone experiences here on earth. Zavier was that special. He only knew love, and now he is experiencing eternal love in God's Kingdom.

Prayers are powerful...even when they aren't answered. How is this possible? God provides and continues to provide for us while we experience the pain of unanswered prayers.

Lesson #3

Kindness - only kindness matters. In just a matter of 12 days, my family has experienced an immense amount of kindness in the midst of losing Zavier. It's amazing! I think we never really realized so many people cared. From old friends to new friends, from old co-workers to new co-workers, our churches and families, classmates, and strangers.

Not one single day has gone by since January 8th that we have not stopped talking about these acts of kindness. We've sat around the table in amazement and sharing the stories with each other.

It's kinda funny because I'm sure that people have been kind to us in the past and on a regular basis. Perhaps, we didn't experience it all once in such a great volume. We didn't recognize it as kindness, or maybe even appreciated it as kindness...

God works like that - He is working and we are seeing things, the world, people - with a new set of eyes. The eyes, that maybe, He planned for us to have.

Lesson #2

I think that many of the lessons that I learned in 2009 will be incorporated into my 2010 lessons. God has allowed me to learn lessons in 2009 and I feel that He is saying, "Ok, you learned the lessons; now let me see you put them into practice". Almost, like He is saying, "Don't forget what you have learned about Me." I don't like it, but I accept it.

Lesson #2: Don't leave a stick of butter in the microwave for 30 seconds. I really did learn this lesson today. Without thinking it through, I grabbed the stick of butter, wanted it be softened, and quickly put it in the microwave without watching it. I was distracted on the phone. I hear a beeping, open the microwave, and see liquid, melted butter everywhere! Man, I wasn't paying attention and thought I knew what I was doing.

I think that quite too often we take our eyes off God because we "think" we know what we are doing. We stop paying attention and feel like we know what we are doing. God, in a sense, is that beeping noise the microwave makes, saying ok "re-focus, take a look at the mess you made" or not necessarily the mess you made, but maybe the mess you are in. He, just like the beeping, gets your attention.

When I saw the mess in the microwave I thought I'd probably make a bigger mess cleaning it up and dreaded it. When I cleaned it up, I didn't spill a single drop of melted butter on the ground. And it wasn't that hard to clean up as I had thought.

Once we "re-focus" on God, even if it's just for a moment, stop and take in His peace and presence. If we can do this through the many moments in our day, it won't be "that" hard. It will still be hard, always will, but God can clean up the mess you are in...if even for a moment...if you let Him.

Lesson #1

Not sure exactly where I am going with this, but I will give it a shot.

2009 - an amazing, incredible year, a year of failures, successes, lows and highs; overall a great learning year. Too bad I didn't make a list of all lessons learned.

2010 - so far an amazingly devastating year with the loss of my beautiful baby nephew, Felix Zavier Barron, on January 8, 2010.

Lesson #1: Lord, I know that You are for me, and I know that You have come now even if to write upon my heart; to remind me who You are. (Kari Jobe)

Psalm 18:1-2 I love you, Lord; You are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my Savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.