Heartache

It would be you lyrics (Gary Allan)

It's hard describing a heartache
All because it's a one of a kind of thing
A serious injury
And a whole lot of endless pain
If it was a storm
I'd compare to a hurricane
Oh it's even got a name

If it was a drink
It would be a strong one
If it was a sad song
It would be a long one
If it was a color
It would be a deep deep blue
But if we're talking about a heartache
It would be you

If it was a full moon
It would be a total eclipse
If it was a tidal wave
It would sink a thousand ships
If it was a blizzard
It would be a record breaking cold
If it was a lie
It would be the biggest story you've ever told

The biggest heartache of my family's life is losing Zavier. Everyday my heart aches for us, especially for my sister and Juliana. At 9, Juliana knows way too much, (maybe that's a good thing, I don't know). Zavier is always on her mind...today, I tried to point out a life lesson to her - "You can't always get what you want". Her response, "I know that already...I want Zavier and I can't have him." She knows so much more than she should at her age.

Seeing my family go through this is makes it hard to believe that God does have a plan. Seeing and feeling the heartache makes it hard...

I have to remember that in this life, we are to walk by faith and not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7).

I will stand upon Your truth

I've never really read the Bible much before this last year. First time around, I sped through it wanting to read it all. Now the second time around, I'm reading it a bit slower. In the book of Romans, there are many truths to stand upon:

1. For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ. It is the power of God at work, saving everyone who believes...1:16

2. For God does not show favoritism. 2:11

3. ...And a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people. 2:29

4. We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are. For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard. 3:22-23

5. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5:3-4

6. ...Instead, give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have new life. 6:12

7. So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. 8:6

8. ...But if we are to share His glory, we must also share His suffering. Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal later to us. 8:17-18

9. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will. 8:27

10. Don't copy the behavior and custom of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect...don't think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us. 12:2-3

11. Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honoring each other. 12:9-10

12. Never pay back evil with more evil. 12:17

13. Accept other believers who are weak in faith, and don't argue with them about what they think is right or wrong.14:1

14. For we don't live for ourselves or die for ourselves. If we live, it's to honor the Lord. And if we die, it's to honor the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. Christ died and rose again for this very purpose - to be Lord both of the living and of the dead. 14:7-9

15. Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory. 15:7

Spinning

Today, with a little hesitation, I went with my sister to a spinning class...my first ever. It's very doubtful that I will go back. BUT it was an interesting class...during the warm-up my legs were already burning. Apparently, you have to set the resistance and I didn't...so the last person to use the bike had it set really high! I finally figured that out. 4 minutes into the class...the trainer lady says that it's a 55-minute class!! 8 minutes into it...I wanted to quit. Every 10 minutes I said to myself "ok, this is it, I'll just go sit on the side and watch everyone else do it." Then I figured well I might as well burn as many calories as I can and kept on. Not an intense speed but my legs were still moving :)

I've always been the type of person that if I wasn't great at something right away...I'd quit. I am kinda like an all or nothing person...which has it's advantages and disadvantages, I guess.

The spinning class was no different...mentally and physically, I didn't really want to do it. I had made up my mind to stop trying to keep up and just finish the class at a comfortable pace. The instructor was awesome...she kept coaching and motivating the whole way through. She'd say stuff like "don't give up, finish the race". She even said "you are the best", (ok, so maybe she didn't really mean to direct that to me but she said it nonetheless). There was absolutely nothing she could say that could make me decide to really give it all I had. Why? Because my mind was made up, my thoughts took control. But I kept on going, and she kept encouraging.

This little scenario above reminds me of a relationship with God. No matter how much God loves us and wants us to know Him, no matter how much He encourages us, it's up to us to decide to "choose" Him.

And during this race called life, no matter what speed we are going, God is still going to be there encouraging us to give all we have. He will never give up on us no matter how long it will take for us to really know Him.

Jeremiah 29:13-14 "If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you," says the Lord...

To Know You

I want nothing more than to know God.

To Know You (Casting Crowns)

To know you is never worry for my life, and
To know you is to never to give in or compromise
To know you is to want to tell the world about you
Cause I can't live without you

To know you is to hear your voice when you are calling
To know you is to catch my brother when he is falling
To know you is to feel the pain of the broken hearted
Cause they can't live with out you.

More than my next breath
More than life or death
All reaching for, I live my life to know you more
I leave it all behind, you are all that satisfies
To know you is to want to know you more
To know you is to want to know you more

To know you is to ache for more than ordinary
To know you is to look beyond the temporary
To know you is believing that you will be enough
Cause there is no life without you

More than my next breath
More than life or death
All reaching for, I live my life to know you more
I leave it all behind, you are all that satisfies
To know you is to want to know you more
To know you is to want to know you more

All this life could offer me, could not compare to you
Compare to you
And I count it all as lost, compared to knowing you
Knowing you

Faith

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1

Faith seems easy enough when things are going your way...when life is what "you" planned it to be. But what happens when things don't go your way...when life is not what you expected? It's easy for your faith to start diminishing a bit or even rapidly before you know it. Your mind starts thinking what if God is not really for us...or really doesn't want us to have all the things we ever wanted. That's the time we need to re-focus our thoughts not on "ourselves" but on Him. Focus on His will, His love, His desires for us...even though we don't know exactly what He desires for us...IT IS GOOD. God desires good things for us. In this life, it's hard to know, believe, and have faith in this. But it is true - God loves us more than we can ever know.

"...and let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus the champion who initiates and perfects our faith." Hebrews 12:1-2